Did I Mention God's An Asshole

This will be weird to say, but The creator is hot to watch. It’s like watching Picasso paint or Mozart construct a new melody. It is amazing to see how He moves.

It’s happening again. God is talking to me and it’s so loud. He has demands that I must do. They aren’t bad, and I know they will be good for me, but it scares me. You see, God wants big things for us, things bigger than what we even want for ourselves. If you say you give your life to Him truly, He comes for you. It’s a bit much at first. Too much I think. You think you’re going crazy and it’s bad, and then it’s so good. It’s like there is no hate or deceit. You do it and He expects things. I know this now and I am afraid of the consequences. There you go scaring us, Lina. It’s science, my loves. Every reaction has a consequence. Straight from the internet, Isaac Newton’s third law of motion—“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction”—this principle dictates that every choice, action, or force results in a corresponding consequence or effect, whether in physics, personal finance, or social interactions. These reactions often serve as a balance, ensuring that every decision, whether good or bad, triggers a ripple effect, often requiring accountability or resulting in a long-term outcome.

But here the creator wad was asking me for more. How about my comedy or acting career? I think I felt an eye roll. “Did I mention God’s an asshole.” God hates me, I thought once again. He either loved me more than anything in the world or He hates me like I was the devil. Both could be true, for I know at this point God and the devil were the same entity, and that had to be true of me. I was good and evil. Evil, I had heard that word so many times as a child. I was wicked. My parents thought I was possessed or insane. One could think I was over exaggerating for thinking this, but it soon revealed itself when my father posted on his social media that I was ugly inside and when my mother told me she wished I weren’t a child. I feel you shudder, for you think that would be hurting me. It does now. These were humans who were brought up in a different time. A time that when you are Black you must fit into a box, and if you don’t, you’re other. I was other. I knew that now and it brought me no discomfort.

I am more like god than man and it’s an arrogant thing to say but we all are. I just know that for certain now. God does not exist without your denial or confirmation. That is hard for people to get, but it is still so. I have dated a lot of atheists, a few Satanists, and all have in common wanting there to be more to this but unable to see the full picture.

How does she know any of this? I have met God, briefly bit its something one never forgets. He’s nothing like what they say. He is kind and cruel, evil and good, beginning and end. Satan and Almighty. God should not ever be reduced to one thing, for He is everything. I remember that night still. It is almost like echoes of a moment, but the emotions I felt still stir when I think about it. I had just lost my mother and came back from Texas broken and in rage. My mother had been a Baptist minister and police detective. I will talk about these things later, for they have shaped much of who I am. She had been a good servant of the lord and an upstanding citizen. I watched her frail body take its last breath and a tear roll down her cheek. And she ceased to exist, no longer. I was stunned. This woman had survived fifteen brothers and sisters, all gone now. She had been a cop thirty five years, fighting criminals, a minister, a servant of God, and a single mother to five kids—triplets. Now she was gone. Even though she wasn’t fond of me, I felt she deserved to live. She wanted to I think. I think she wanted to travel and do so much, and I felt she deserved it. God did not care and that pissed me off.

I came back home and cried. I cried so much that I heaved and coughed and my pain caused me to writhe on the floor in agony. I was so mad. First Covid, Black Lives Matter and I was always afraid—and now this. I decided to let God have it. I was fed the fuck up and it was time for me to let Him know. So I did. I cursed God out with every word you can think of. I was vile and unflinching, every word emphasized as I spat them out to the ceiling, the ether, whatever was listening.

That’s when he came. I felt it. Almost undetectable at first, but then it grew. Like a peeling of the mind to reveal something I still to this day cannot put into words. A presence so powerful I began to shake. I scrambled to my bed to cower. I started apologizing profusely to nothing or everything. I was so confused and afraid. What the hell was that? Did I imagine that? It so chilling and definitive? I couldn’t be certain if I wasn’t going crazy or had I gone too far. I will never forget that night. No words or optical representation, but a feeling—an overwhelming presence—came into my room as a warning. Not to scare me, I don’t think, but to show me its existence. My fear turned into gratitude at knowing I wasn’t alone and that I had gotten God’s attention for once. At least someone was paying attention to me. At last someone acknowledge my existence and seem to still care.

I never mocked god again after that. Mocking God has not gone well for anyone; history has shown. God is vindictive, cunning, sadistic, and psychopathic. I think of Regina Spektor’s song “Laughing With,” how no one laughs at God. He loves us but also enjoys teaching lessons. I like that about Him. I do too. I have seen those who mock God quietly be taken out and sometimes taken out in a loud way. I have noticed that there is something happening now, where the darkness is bringing brought into light. The creator is gearing up to dish out punishments. Not punishment in the way our parents did because we did something wrong, but in the way of keeping the balance of all He’s created. I call it “karmic retribution.” What you give out you shall get, and now it seems to be coming faster than ever. So I sit back now and watch Him work and I am in awe. This will be weird to say, but The creator is hot to watch. It’s like watching Picasso paint or Mozart construct a new melody. It is amazing to see how He moves. I have tried to share what I learned but so many do not hold the capacity to understand. I will continue to speak on these things until my time is up.