I Started Asking for More

"Sometimes I tell God I hate Him for wanting better for me. Let me wallow in subpar. Let me be okay with the bare minimum, I tell Him, and He laughs."

Today I told myself I love you, and I know sometimes it’s not enough, but I hope someday it will be. I hugged myself and admired the creation God made. Damn, I was beautiful inside and out. The inside always being the most important to me. I had struggled many times believing either was true, and now I had to. Too much had happened, and I had to force myself to grow.

The hardest thing you will probably ever do is fully love and like yourself. Many times I’ve come up short. A form of self-love is asking for what you want. No, demanding it. From the universe, relationships, and yourself. I started saying I’m going to get what I want, and that’s it. Stop trying to impress folks. Impress yourself with your growth and how far you’ve come. Impress yourself with reaching goals and getting everything you want in life. Impress yourself by not settling and asking for more.

I started asking for more. I wanted more and dammit, I was going to get it. Many times I have told people I am not put on this earth to suffer or live in lack. I was sent here for a purpose. For a divine reason. There were no mistakes or mishaps in my being here. So I want it all. My fucking divine right, I would say to God, is to be happy and cared for.

Remember though, when you ask for more, you better be ready to step up. That was the hard part. I was asking for a lot, and I wasn’t fully prepared. I mean seriously, not prepared at all. So I started getting prepared for what I’m asking. Working out, saying no, showing up when I’m moved to. Knowing when to say goodbye and have the uncomfortable conversations. I started getting comfortable walking away from situations, people, and things that weren’t aiding in my growth.

I got comfortable cutting people off who want to show up doing the bare minimum. Especially in dating. Actions speak louder than words. I hate flowery words now from partners that have no basis. I’ve been called a bitch for advocating for myself. I hated it at first, and now I like it. I love it. I now say I am a loving, kind, empathetic bitch.

“I don’t want to settle” was what keeps replaying in my head. I can’t settle anymore now that I asked for more. It seems as if God and the Universe won’t let me. I am restless and hungry for bigger things and purpose. It wasn’t even a want now. It was a can’t. The Creator and the universe wouldn’t let me. I felt uneasy being in situations where it was the bare minimum. I felt off and wanted to run. So I started running. I would run until I got what I want. I even felt bad for those who got in the way of my wants. For some reason, the Creator didn’t play about me, and things got interesting for those who got in my way. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Sometimes I tell God I hate Him for wanting better for me. Let me wallow in subpar. Let me be okay with the bare minimum, I tell Him, and He laughs. He laughs to my face in my mind. I can hear it now. An almost inaudible sound that rings throughout my mind. Taunting and testing me.

I know now that I can’t do mediocre or just enough anymore. So I will have to wait for what God sends me, and I will know for certain that it’s from Him. I stopped entertaining things that weren’t for me, that drained or even annoyed me. I will only say yes to what I want, because again, I want what I want and dammit, I’m going to get it.

My first time in Europe. We shall meet again!