Transparency and New Beginnings

I had given myself three yrs to continue on this wretched planet. That's at least what I told myself to get from day to day without just offing myself. I had thought about killing myself maybe every day up to now. Whew, I said it. Not an easy thing to type out, but there was the truth. I had let the weight of my mother's passing, the world falling off its axis, and my steadily declining mental health strangle me. It was a last-ditch effort to let it all just finish me off. I had way too many "dark nights of the soul," and frankly, I was starting to think I was losing my mind. I knew I would have to find reasons to stick around and get out of bed. Reasons to keep living other than myself.

I decided to take bold and radical steps to the truth. What does that mean? Heck, if I know, but I know it meant I would have to start using my voice. I would have to set out on a mission of purpose—something bigger than me and my selfish whims. I would embark on "truth-telling" and figuring out what the heck we are doing here. On this planet, an infant race is trying to hold it together amidst so many changes. That would have to do for now. I wanted to chronicle my days just to look back on what I've learned and maybe help some others along the way if possible. We'll see, but for now, I can just start.

I'm not sure if it was the shroom I micro-dosed or the five Episodes of Sex and the City I binged, but I felt like a new person. I had finally spent a night alone, something I had been avoiding since my D word (depression) started getting bad. It first made me crazy. I couldn't stay still. I wanted to just jump out of my skin. So I did what any sane person would do I broke off a piece of some shrooms and went for a night swim. That cooled me off a bit and just enough so I could settle myself. Then I randomly started scrolling IG, and a IG live came up from a pastor I was following; yes, they go hard on IG lives at midnight in LA. I think the message was purpose and talents matching up.

I don't know; honestly, I couldn't concentrate on the message cause I was high at that moment, so irritation mixed with wanting to distract myself led me to Sex and the City for the 3rd time this week. I hadn't realized that I had a little piece of each character in me. The prude Charlotte, the whore Samantha, the hard-working and practical Miranda, who was my favorite, and the quirky and seemingly wild child Carrie. I had learned so much while binging that show that it inspired me to get up and dress up even if I didn't have anywhere to go. That was the beauty of being alive. You don't have to find reasons to live; you can create them and just do it. I hadn't realized that my life had become so rigid. I had forgotten I could make my own fun and create a life that would constantly surprise, challenge, and motivate me. Today would be the beginning of that, and boldly I shall go.