Evolving Sucks

By Lina Green

This is a word I’m seeing more and more as of late—evolution. Humanity’s only way to survive. I even hear it ring in my head as the creature repeatedly whispers to me, You are essential for human evolution.

At first, I’m not sure what he means or what part I’m supposed to play. But I hear it daily now: You are essential for human evolution. I’m pretty sure I tried to let him, “The Creator” know I do not want that job or task. I even gave him a list of people far more suited—Oprah, Jay Shetty, even the Pope came to mind. He did not care. The voice got louder daily, and I almost wanted to run. Run where? From my mind, from the thoughts. From the Creator? I’m not sure. But I’d rather do nothing—that I am sure of. I’d rather see how everything plays out and then die.

I’m not someone who likes to get in other people’s business or involve myself in their affairs. Other people evolving seemed like their business, not mine. Why can’t they figure it out for themselves? And if they don’t, they’ve got eternity, right? I have to admit the road to evolving, enlightenment, growth, whatever you want to call it—sucks. It’s lonely, confusing, obsessive, annoying, repetitive, and altogether not the best way to spend one’s time, if you ask me. This lifetime feels short. Sure, there might be others, but this one is the one I am in currently and it seems to be changing faster than ever. Why work on oneself and become the best version now, when there’s time after time to try again? I get that. But for some reason, my soul wanted it now. It wanted truth, goodness, peace, and evolution—whatever that means. Again, I’m still not sure.

It’s my own fault, you see—I asked for it. Not just in a past life (for I’m sure I wanted it then), but in this one. Months ago, I sat on my bed in a manic state, crying and wondering if I was in hell again. Something kept telling me, There’s so much more to this. I was just scratching the surface of being alive and something kept tugging at me. Maybe that’s why I did those climbs up mountains and explored different art forms. Something was saying they were gates to what was out there beyond my five basic human senses. There was something calling to me—something bigger than me—and I wanted to connect with it so badly. I could feel it, almost as if it were encasing me in its womb, and all I had to do was let go and become one with it.

I knew I started to sound like a mad woman to a lot of people around me. Even some of the things I said seemed strange to me, and yet I knew them to be factual. I was energy. Spirit. The body was nothing—a meatbag holding what I truly was. I could feel that more and more every day. I would pick at my skin, pulling at it as if it were a way to release. I felt trapped sometimes in it—like it was holding on to me, not the other way around. It’s an uncomfortable feeling, to be trapped in one’s skin. To feel it all around you and know it keeps you bound. It limits and confines you, like a commitment you had fully never signed up for. I didn’t want to be bound by it anymore. I didn’t want to be bound to this earth, I would think sometimes. I think that’s when I got my most suicidal—when I was irritated and manic from knowing this truth. From knowing I could be free.

Evolving comes at a cost. No one told me that the day I asked the “Great Creator” for that gift of truth that I would be knocked off my feet. I sat on my bed and did some incantation I saw somewhere online. The woman promised you would get what you asked for form the universe. I half-heartedly believed her and did it. That’s when all my troubles really began. I spiraled into an abyss afterwards. Nothing was real, and everything was real. The world became one lesson after another, and I must say—the lessons never stop. To be human and on this earth is to never stop learning. Never stop experiencing until you reach the ultimate enlightenment.

I would say that cannot be done, but there have been some who’ve said they reached it. I wonder what it cost them. What it meant to them to reach it—and what they sacrificed. It comes with great sacrifice and pain. That has been my experience. Sometimes I regret asking, but to be honest, my mental health was fucked anyway. On good days, the lessons healed me so much. I was able to find forgiveness for a lot of people who I felt wronged me. Even those who looked at me in my black skin and hated me for existing—I was able to embrace them.

I cannot hold onto hate of any kind. That was a gift, I guess. At least I thought it was at first, but I soon realized being a loving human being in an un-evolved world can present problems. Lots of problems. Your kindness, graciousness, and ability to self-reflect angers those who aren’t aware. It challenges their ego and sends them into mental fits. Sometimes it’s a quiet fit, but sometimes it’s pointed at you and loud.

I learned I was still very much myself—Lina—with all her flaws. But I could see them and either deal with them or revert to my old self. I wanted to be my old self so badly in those moments. My old self was scary and vindictive and could come up with some of the best revenge a person could ever do. I marveled at how hateful my old self was—how stubborn, obstinate, and unrelenting. I liked her. She helped me navigate human beings at times. But her temper was bad, and I needed to reign her in. She had cost me things and needed to be under control and balanced.

I would take what I learned in meditation, reading, and “the work,” as they call it, and try to balance her with my new self. I had a lot of work to do still, but I could feel the light in my heart, in my eyes, at times—and it made me keep going, no matter how difficult it all became. I was here, wasn’t I? Alive and ready to keep going on this journey. There were beautiful moments as well as dark ones that I had to learn to balance. There is no good without evil, no light without darkness, and we are full of both at all times.

I would need to remember this balance as I continued. I didn’t have to be so nice. I could be me—but conscious and aware of what I was putting out into the world. Evolution calls for such self-reflection. It calls for us to be open and malleable. It calls for a readiness to jump into the hard lessons of life and also take breaks to rest. The human experience is a daunting one that requires an ebb and flow of both action and rest to heal and grow.

These are lessons I am grateful for and will take with me as I continue. Evolving still sucks—but it can also be freeing when you start to see progress and the world shift to your new way of thinking.